I Will Never Forget

Everyone was affected in some way by the tragedy that happened 10 years ago today. How did it impact your life? Did the changes that you resolved to make in your life "stick" or have you fallen right back into your old way of life?

On September 11, 2001 we were living in Chicago. I was driving Abby, then age 4, to daycare when I turned on the radio to Mancow's Morning Madhouse on Q-101 and heard Mancow talking about planes flying into the World Trade Centers in New York. Mancow had a tendency to have a sick sense of humor so I thought he was joking. I remember thinking how wrong that was for him to joke like that. When I got to the daycare they were talking about it. It was then that I realized it wasn't a joke.

My office was right across the street from the daycare and when I walked in everyone was in a tizzy. All of the women were in the conference room gathered around the only TV in the office. At that point the plane that eventually crashed in Pennsylvania was thought to be headed for the Sears Tower. While we were safe in Naperville, a suburb about thirty miles from downtown Chicago, many of our husbands, including mine, worked downtown. The phone lines were all jammed so we couldn't get through to them.

I went to my desk to put my stuff down before going back to the conference room when I saw my boss, Joy, sitting behind her desk working.

I went in her office. “Have you not heard the news?”

"Yeah, I heard,” she replied and kept on working.

“They think the missing plane is heading for the Sears Tower. Aren't you even the least bit concerned?” I asked.

“Yes, I care, but staring at the TV isn't going to change anything. I prayed. That's all I can do. Now it's in God's hands. I've got Jesus and Jesus has this. There's no point in stressing over it,” she replied.

“You're nuts!” I said as I left her office and went back towards the conference room. I couldn't believe I had just talked to my boss that way, but that's really what I thought. Even though I was raised in church, I wasn't taught to give things to Jesus and then not worry about them. I had never had any kind of peace in my life and I interpreted her peace in this situation as craziness.

By the time I reentered the conference room, the plane had gone down in Pennsylvania. Our husbands were safe. It would be hours yet before we would know that the plane was never headed to Chicago, but turning around and going back to the east. The rest of the day was not very productive. We tried to get to work, but it was hard to stay focused. We all had our radios on listening to the news as we waited impatiently to speak with our husbands.

Lying in bed a few days later, my husband asleep next to me, I heard the F-16s flying overhead. I thought it was amazing that these men and women who didn't know me at all were willing to lay their lives down to save mine if necessary. I lay there thinking about that for quite sometime when I thought, or, more accurately, heard God speaking in my spirit, that it was just like when Jesus died for me. He laid His life down for me.

The next morning at work, I told my boss about being raised in church, but not seeing anything God has done in my life. I told her about Myles' and Jessica's murders, my plea to God to let me die in their place, and the open investigation. I told her it seemed more like God was out to get me than to show me He loved me.

“'The thief comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy, but I have come that you might have life and that life more abundantly.' That's what Jesus said in John 10:10. God didn't kill your children; Satan did that. God didn't bring all the pain and suffering that you and your children have endured; Satan did. God wants you to have a happy and abundant life. Satan wants you to be miserable, and if he can get you to blame God for it, well, that's even better. The Bible says in First Peter that Satan is prowling around like a lion looking for people to devour. That doesn't always mean physical death.”

Over the next few months I found myself in Joy's office talking about God a lot. I would think about what she said while lying in bed at night and then ask her questions the next day. She explained things to me like I had never heard them before. This time, they made sense. She worded them in such a way that I could comprehend them.

In November, I told her I wanted to go to church. I was surprised when I walked in the door to find people dressed in jeans and t-shirts. It looked like I had just walked into a biker bar, not into church. At first I thought they were weird and this must be some cult or something. Then they started worship and they were singing about Jesus. Teen Challenge was there that day and so there were a number of different people telling their stories about how God saved them from drug and alcohol addiction. Quite a few of the stories hit a chord in me.

A few weeks later, I responded to the altar call at the church I had been going to and gave my life to Christ for real this time. I finally understood that accepting Jesus was more than just praying a prayer and saying the right words. You have to believe it.

While I'm sorry for the those who lost loved ones that day, I am grateful that it happened. Please don't take that the wrong way, but I have to wonder if that had not happened, would I be saved today? God turned it around in my life, as I'm sure He did in many others. “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people.” Gen 50:20 NKJV

Satan wants to destroy us. Sometimes he uses drugs and alcohol; sometimes he uses money or lust; sometimes he uses pain and suffering. He knows our weaknesses and he plays on them and uses them to tempt us to turn away from God. The good news is that God never gives up on us. He is always there—pursuing us and waiting for us. Whenever we turn to Him, He is there. He is ready and waiting, even when we think we have done too many horrible things. He wants to forgive us. He wants a relationship with us.

In Your Presence

I got a run going to Evansville, IN. (We have a contract with CSX to transport their crews, so these runs are not that unusual.) While I was on the way up there, I could only pray silently, but I told God that when I dropped these guys off I wanted to pray for real. I wanted to spend some serious time with Him.

I haven't updated my GPS in awhile so the new stretch of Pennyrile Parkway from Hopkinsville to I-24 doesn't exist according to it. It shows my little yellow cab driving in the middle of no where. Sometimes it shows a dotted line to the nearest road to show me that if I can get there, the GPS will be able to direct me the rest of the way. I was praying when I saw that little dotted line on the screen. I said, “Lord, that is how I feel sometimes; like I'm floating in the middle of no where. I feel so alone and uncomfortable, but at the same time, I know I am where I belong. Others keep telling me I need to get over onto the road that everyone can see, but I know that isn't where You want me to be. I know that if I continue on the way I'm headed (even though it is uncharted territory) I will end up on the right road.” As I was approaching I-24 the solid red line was coming into view. Then the dotted line told me what I already knew... this path WILL get me there!

Then I started reflecting on something that Morgann, Mark, Abby and I were talking about after Life Groups on Sunday night. We were talking about what it means to DWELL in God's presence. Psalm 140:13 says, “Surely the righteous shall give thanks to Your name; The upright shall dwell in Your presence.” Is it just something we experience every Sunday and Wednesday at church? Is it something we experience every day, but only during our time of “devotions”? Or is it something we can experience all day, every day, every moment of our lives? Dwell means “to live or stay as a permanent resident; reside” (dictionary.com). So, I began to pray and tell God that I want to dwell in His presence. I want to LIVE there all the time!

How do I do that? I quickly realized that I am to focus on Him always. Hebrews 12:2 says “Keeping your eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

There was a time that I would imagine that Jesus was sitting in the front seat of the cab riding with me, because technically speaking HE IS! I was so embarrassed by some of the things that my customers would say and do that I stopped inviting Jesus to come. In a way I thought (not a conscious thought, but somewhere in the back of my mind) I was protecting Him from the sin I'm exposed to everyday. God spoke to me today and made me realize just how arrogant that was. Little ole ME thought I could protect Jesus from the sin in this world. While I think the sin I see daily is horrid, Jesus has not only SEEN worse, He BECAME worse!!! He became all sin so that He could conquer it.

I was listening to Devin Williams Pour It Out. Actually, I wasn't really listening to it as much as it was playing in the background while I was praying. As I was praying I would realize that the song playing in the background totally agreed with my prayer, so I would stop praying and sing the song to God, stopping along the way to elaborate on the lyrics. It was so awesome!!! By the time I got back to Nashville, I was so on fire!!!

Promises

I was driving down the Interstate when I saw a beautiful rainbow this morning. I immediately said, "Oh, Lord. That is beautiful. Thank You so much!"

He immediately spoke to my spirit loudly and clearly. "I keep my promises, Trai. Remember them. Stand on them. Stop wavering and questioning what you don't understand and just trust Me."

We went on to discuss the specific promises that He has given me that I have doubted lately. I needed that encouragement a lot more than I realized.

Thank You so much, Lord, for reminding me that You are who You say You are and that You'll do what You say You'll do. Thank You for loving me enough to be involved in my daily life and for giving me promises and things to look forward to that directly pertain to my daily life. I love You so much! You are AMAZING!!!

Treading Water

Saturday, June 4, 2011 at 6:29pm
I hate my life and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it! Why are things not happening? I'm so sick of this plateau! I feel like I have been in the same spot my whole life, treading water, and no matter how hard I swim I cannot get any further up stream. I have obeyed God! I wrote I Had Dreams like He told me to. It's still sitting not selling. I wrote the screenplay like He told me to. It's still sitting here! I wrote the non-fiction version. He told me to give it to someone to proof-read and then told me to leave it alone so I can add more to it later. I did that too. Now, I'm writing Alternate Choices, but is it just another waste-of-time project? I want God's will but why is it God's will for all my hard work to be sitting on a shelf? Why is it God's will that we not have a dog? (I had just asked the landlord if we could have a dog and he said no.) I mean if I can't have a man, can't I at least have a dog to welcome me home?

Saturday, June 4, 2011 at 7:58pm
I really got to thinking after that last post and I started realizing some things. Why do Christians make everything so difficult? God doesn't intend for us to stress over every little thing. I've come to the conclusion that I can do no wrong! Yes, I can still sin, and I shouldn't but I don't have to stress out or over analyze every little thing. As long as I'm righteous, I can do no wrong. The Bible says the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord. Psalm 37:4 says "If you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart." I believe that means that as you spend time with God you'll begin to desire what He has planned for you. Anything that Satan throws in your way to distract you or derail you won't affect you anyway. Isaiah 54:17 that no weapon formed against me will prosper. I may not understand why my writing is sitting on a shelf, but I need to keep writing anyway. I need to check my motives. Am I writing just to be published? Or am I writing because I love writing? Or am I writing because it is what God called me to do?

Salvation: What is it?

There is something that has been lying heavily on my heart for about a month now. At first, I thought God was having me check my heart on this issue, so I did—repeatedly. I have been convicted and I am working on changing some things. However, the nagging of it hasn't stopped. If anything, it has gotten worse and God has shown me many examples of it the last few weeks. I believe the nagging hasn't let up because He wanted me to write this and post it. When Pastor Clay spoke this morning, this blog was screaming to be written.

What does it mean to be saved? Is it simply a matter of believing in God? That Jesus is the Son of God? That Jesus did miracles? James 2:19 says "You say you have faith, for you believe that there is only one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror." The demons believe and are not going to be saved from eternal torment in hell.

Romans 10:9 says, "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead you will be saved." What does that really mean? Can you CONFESS "Jesus is Lord" and BELIEVE that, but continue to live an ungodly lifestyle, and be saved? There are two key phrases in this verse—"is Lord" and "in your heart". Both imply a lifestyle shift. If you confess it, but don't make him Lord, you will not be saved. The word LORD means "a person who has authority, control, or power over others; a master, chief, or ruler". Is that what Jesus is in your life? Have you surrendered to His authority? Is He your master? Or do you say He is Lord while still living your life your way? If you believe, but not in your heart, you will not be saved. I looked up heart on my dictionary.com app and this is what it says, "3 the center of the total personality, esp. with reference to intuition, feeling or emotion." (The first two definitions are referring to the organ that pumps blood throughout the body.) If you truly believe that God raised Jesus from the dead you cannot go on living an ungodly lifestyle. The Resurrection becomes the center of your total personality! It becomes the basis for your intuition, your feelings, your emotions. It becomes the core of who you are!

Luke 14:33-35 takes it a step further. "So you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own. Salt is good for seasoning. But if it loses its flavor, how do you make it salty again? Flavorless salt is good neither for the soil for the manure pile. It is thrown away. Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand!"

Matt 5:13 "You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless."

Salt is an amazing substance! It is consists of sodium and chloride. Both are needed by the human body, but too much of either can be deadly. Chloride is only slightly soluble in water. The presence of excess chloride causes corrosion. Sodium is a metal that is completely soluble in water, however; when sodium alone (without chloride) is first introduced to water, it reacts violently and will explode! Keep in mind that the human body is 70+% water.

True love consists of grace and truth (spiritual salt) and it works the same way. Grace is like the chloride. Grace only goes so far and if given too much it begins to corrode the Gospel. Those who believe that hell and judgment don't exist have so much grace that it has corroded the Gospel. The problem is that without acknowledging sin or fault, they have led people to believe that there is no need for repentance. Truth, on the other hand, is like sodium. If truth is introduced without grace, the reaction is violent and explosive. I saw a t-shirt the other day that said "Repent or burn in hell." Now, while that is the truth, there is no grace and a non-Christian who sees that probably reacts violently to that statement and is not going to repent based on that statement alone.

To be the salt of this earth, we must walk in love while speaking truth. We cannot keep diluting the Gospel, but neither can we be the judge and jury of the world. We must live our lives in such a way that our everyday actions are full of grace and truth. We cannot walk around with a hateful attitude while saying we are Christians. When you encounter the unsaved, instead of looking down your nose at them, remember who you were before you got saved. When you encounter people who claim to be Christians while living a sinful lifestyle, instead of acknowledging how messed up their lifestyle is, show them with grace the truth behind James 2:19 and Romans 10:9, and lead them into a relationship with Christ.

Hell is real and we have been given the responsibility of sharing that truth with the people God has placed in our lives. "We have got to learn to love better."-Pastor Clay

Lost!

"Mom!" I heard a quiet voice say. Thinking it was a dream, I snuggled under my covers even deeper and settled in.

I get home from work at about five o'clock in the morning. After winding down a little bit by reading a novel, I fell asleep at about 5:30. Needless to say, I was sleeping GOOD by seven. Then, I heard it again. “Mom”. It was like a loud whisper filled with desperation and fear. I rolled over and said, “What?”

“I got up to get a drink of water and I looked in on the snakes and George is missing!” We have three ball pythons, Neo, the oldest and largest, Oscar, who is almost full-grown, and George, a six-month-old baby. Neo was our first, bought for Abby Christmas of 2009. Oscar is Paul's, but we are snake sitting indefinitely. George is mine. I bought him October 5 as a birthday present to myself. I have wanted a baby since we got Neo and when I saw them on sale for 60% off, I couldn't pass him up.

George and I have gotten quite attached, although I think I am a little more attached than he is. I know it is hard for you to hear me talk about snakes in such a loving tone. I am a little different, but then y'all knew that. If it helps you comprehend it, imagine George is a puppy. Or a gerbil. Or whatever animal you like. I love George and when Abby said he was missing, I jumped up out of bed and rushed into the living room.

Snakes seek out warmth and darkness, so we searched every warm, dark spot we could think of. George is so tiny that his head is about half the size of my thumb! He is eighteen inches long and about as thick as a Sharpie! We looked under the couch, the chair, the ottoman. No George!

We searched with flashlights under and around the stove, the refrigerator, the washer, the dryer. No George!

We took Neo and Oscar out and set them on the living room floor thinking maybe they could lead us to him. Where would they go? Maybe that's where George was. Snakes are nocturnal, though, and at seven-thirty in the morning, they just want to sleep. I'm right there with you, guys, but we have to find George. They didn't care and went straight into the terrarium.

We spent an hour looking everywhere for George before I sat on the couch. I didn't know where else to look. We knew he had to be in the house somewhere. It was twenty-eight degrees outside with six inches of snow on the ground and more falling. He wouldn't have gone out there.

Thoughts invaded my mind. I thought maybe he had gotten himself tangled up in the coils behind the refrigerator and burned himself. Maybe he was hurt and scared. He is just a six-month-old baby! He isn't prepared for the dangers in the jungle we call a house.

I began to pray as the first tear slipped down my cheek. “Lord, You know where George is. Please lead me to him.” I felt an overwhelming urge to look in the couch I was sitting on. We removed all of the cushions. No George!

Then I remembered that the interfacing under the couch was hanging a little on the one side, so Abby and I flipped the couch on its back. There in the corner, inside the couch, right under where I was sitting, a little brown head!

“GEORGE!” I ripped the interfacing out of the way, reached in and pulled him out. I was so relieved! I was so happy! I held him tightly and told him how badly he had scared us. I told him that I was so happy that I had found him, I couldn't even be mad at him for getting out and hiding. I wasn't mad at all. I was overjoyed!

As I sat down and hugged him tightly, I thought, “This is how God feels! This is the overwhelming joy that God experiences when He finds us!”

In Luke 15:3-10 Jesus uses a lost sheep and a lost coin to illustrate this exact thing. I have read those stories a million times, but until my baby was lost I never really personalized this story. I felt the devastation and grief at the thought that I might never see him alive again. I felt the joy of holding him in my arms when I found him. I wasn't thinking about Neo and Oscar at that point. I was celebrating my relationship with George.

God loves us so much more than I love that little snake. God mourns and grieves when we are lost. He looks everywhere for us. He searches for us relentlessly. If you have wandered away, or if you have never been found, you don't need to hide from God. He isn't searching for you so that He can punish you. He is searching for you because he loves you and He knows the dangers that you are exposing yourself to that you don't even see lurking in the shadows.

George was right there the whole time. He was right in the couch. He was less than a foot away from me. But he didn't come out. He remained hidden. I don't know why he did, but I know that when I have sinned and I know God is looking for me I sometimes remain hidden, too. Shame, fear, safety of the secret place, etc. make it easier to hide than to face the consequences. I don't realize what danger is lurking just behind me.

You see, Satan is also looking for you. “Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a lion, seeking someone to devour.” I Peter 5:8.

One of them, God or Satan, will find you. Which one will you allow it to be? Are you going to be like George and keep hiding in the dark places just out of God's sight? Or will you come into the light and be held, coddled, and loved?

“I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance... In the same way, I tell you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” Luke 15:7, 10.

Help Dealing with Consequences of Sin

I was doing my devotions the other day and God spoke something to me loudly and clearly. Now, I have to admit I have been struggling with a certain sin and every time I fall, I confess it and repent, but I don't “feel” forgiven. I feel dirty and guilty. I know that usually means I have to forgive myself. I don't feel comfortable praying for help in dealing with the consequences of it. I feel like “I got myself into this boat and it isn't right or fair to ask God to help me through this.

I was reading Jacob's story. He had stolen his brother Esau's birthright. Esau threatened to kill Jacob so he fled. He ran back to the land of Abraham's family where he spent fourteen years working for his uncle. At the end of the fourteen years, Jacob wanted to return to the land of Canaan, where his father had settled. He sent servants along with some flocks to offer Esau as a gift—a peace offering.

Genesis 32:6-12 “After delivering the message, the messengers returned to Jacob and reported, 'We met your brother, Esau, and he is already on his way to meet you—with an army of 400 men!' 7 Jacob was terrified at the news. He divided his household, along with the flocks and herds and camels, into two groups. 8 He thought, 'If Esau meets one group and attacks it, perhaps the other group can escape.' 9 Then Jacob prayed, 'Oh, God of my grandfather Abraham, and God of my father Isaac—Oh Lord, you told me 'Return to your own land and to your relatives.' And you promised me, 'I will treat you kindly.' 10 I am not worthy of all the unfailing love and faithfulness you have shown to me, your servant. When I left home and crossed the Jordan River, I owned nothing except a walking stick. Now my household fills two large camps! Oh, Lord, please rescue me from the hand of my brother, Esau. I am afraid that he is coming to attack me, along with my children. 12 But you promised me, 'I will treat you kindly, and I will multiply your descendants until they become as numerous as the sands along the seashore—too many to count.'”

One of the things that really jumped out at me in this passage is that Jacob didn't even bring up the sin he had committed which was the cause of Esau's attack. Despite our sin, God has a plan for each and every one of us. We cannot allow that sin to stand in the way of God's plan. Once you have confessed and repented of your sin, move on. God has removed that sin from you as far as the east is from the west. Yes, there may be lingering consequences, but God is ready and willing to help you deal with those consequences so that you can move on to your destiny.

We sang a song in church on Sunday that confirmed what I had learned in my quiet time with God the day before. A few lines from the song stuck in my spirit. “If grace is an ocean, we're all drowning... I don't have time to maintain regrets when I think about how you love me! Oh, how you love me! Oh, how you love me! Oh, how you love!”

Thank you, Lord for your unfailing love and mercy! Thank you for assisting me with the consequences of my sins instead of expecting me to fight the fight alone. Thank you for always coming to my rescue regardless of what I have done to get myself in this situation.