Let the words just flow. That is what I have been told repeatedly by many different authors. Don't try too hard, just write. Don't worry about things. Just let the story flow as it will. You can fix it later. Many times your characters are extensions of yourself; parts of yourself that you don't even know are there or you are not in touch with. Pain that you've suppressed or thoughts that you thought you had discarded but that are still there, buried deep within. Just write. Write what you are thinking about. But what am I thinking about? I don't even know.
Lately it seems like most of my life is just a blur. A thoughtless, going-through-the-motions blur. I get up, go to work, go to sleep, and do it again. That is my life. I love my job, but I hate the hours. I hate working all night and sleeping all day. I hate Abby staying with Mom so much. I love the money I make. I love the customers I carry. I love the friends I have made. I love what I do. I like dealing with people in small intervals (5-15 minutes per run). I love that they open up to me and tell their stories thinking “She's a stranger whom I'll never see again.” Then they take my card and call me again; most of the time forgetting all that they had said the previous time because they were so drunk. I get to see two sides of people—the sober side, the side that they have everyone believing that they are; and the drunk side, the side that is who they really are, the side they so desperately try to hide. So, question... do the “professional drinkers” know how to hide who they really are even when they're drunk? Or do they not care what people think and are just themselves at all times? That is really something to think about. I know me personally, am about the same when I am drunk as when I am not. I speak my mind, drunk or sober, but I do say things more tactfully when I am sober. When I'm drunk, if it crosses my mind, it comes out of my mouth as raw and as rude as it was when I thought it. I don't drink anymore, but I assume that this hasn't changed.
Why do we all care what others think anyway? Why is that such a factor in who we are? Should we not just be ourselves and stop worrying what others think? It would be much easier, I would assume, to just be oneself and not not have that hindrance. Who are other people anyway? But when I think about doing some things I think, “What will so and so think if I do that?” It seems to me that hiding from others causes us to hide from ourselves as well. I think the more we try to be what others want us to be, or what we perceive others want us to be, the more we become that someone and who we really are gets lost in the myriad of deceit.
Who are we hiding from? At what age do we start hiding? Jesus said we need to come to Him as little children. What did he mean by that? Could He have meant that we need to stop worrying about what other people think and give ourselves to Him with complete abandon of concerns about our reputation? Do we need to get back to that point in our lives, in our mindsets, where we don't care what people think? We just come running to Him—no concerns, no weights, no worries. Why is it that even after we do drop everything and run to Him we immediately begin worrying about what people think again? Why do we have such a hard time remaining as little children, basking in the presence of the Lord and ignoring the judgments of men?
Why do we allow them to dictate our lives? Who are “they” anyway? I mean, while I'm worried about what you think about me, you're worrying about what I think about you! It's a two-way street. But really we should only be concerned about what God thinks. He is the only one that we have to be concerned with. Live right according to the Bible, keep your heart in a right relationship with God and all else will fall into place, regardless of what mere mortals think.
A friend of mine once said, “If people knew what I really thought, they would think I am crazy.” To an extent we all think this and that is what we are hiding from, is it not? Many have said that writers are crazy. I don't think we are. I think we are just brave enough to put our thoughts on paper. How many times have you read something and thought, “That is exactly how I feel but I'm afraid that others would think I'm nuts if I ever said it.” Well, obviously you are not alone. The writer had to think it before he/she could write it.
As Christians, there is another level, another person we do have to concern ourselves with. You see, we have to be concerned about our witness. If people knew what we really thought and who we really were, and the things that we really do, would we be a good witness? Or are the things that we're hiding the things that would let non-believers know that we aren't perfect, that we're real? How deep, how intense are your struggles? Why are you trying to hide them? Doesn't the world need to see where we were and where we are now? I'm not perfect yet, and I won't be until I get to heaven, but the world can see the progress I've made. I used to drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex with men I wasn't married to, cussed like a sailor (ok, cab driver). All of those things are in the past, but I still struggle with other things like eating unhealthy foods, watching violent TV shows and movies, etc. Why are we so afraid to let the world know that we still struggle?
The line is being drawn between good and evil and in many ways that line is blurred. Take soft pornography for instance. In the world, a movie with a steamy love scene or a little nudity is really not that big of a deal, but to a Christian it should be. The world thinks we are crazy when we make such a big deal over it and refuse to watch that movie because of “one little sex scene”. Is our disapproval of the movie being a good witness or a bad one? Is that person going to be drawn to Christ if we refuse to watch it or will they think us judgmental? Is that person going to think we're a hypocrite if do watch it?
I wish I knew the answers to all of the questions I've posed in this blog. I don't. These are just my random thoughts on the subject of what people think of each other and the affect that has on our lives.
